Even though I received three ministry degrees, not one of my classes ever taught me to perform a wedding or lead a wedding rehearsal. I guess that falls under the “sink or swim” category. This means that the only way to learn is by doing them. It also means that the learning lab is the actual wedding and rehearsal. This can be very unfortunate for the couple and for the minister. Hopefully the minister will have a good mentor who can show him or her the ropes and walk them through it.
Fortunately, my first few weddings did not require me to lead a rehearsal. That allowed me to focus on finding a good wedding ceremony and a template that I still use for most of my weddings today. After I became a Pastor church members needed me to perform weddings for them in our church. Since it was a small, single staff church, that meant that I was responsible for scheduling the facility, leading the rehearsal, and performing the wedding, not to mention meeting with the couple several times beforehand to discuss the wedding and for premarital counseling.
Being very young and naïve when I came to my first wedding rehearsal as a minister I only expected to rehearse the ceremony. I thought that would be my only responsibility other than opening and closing the building. I smile when I think back on just how young and naïve I was. It was something similar to a lamb being tossed into a cage of lions. And these were people who liked me. You see, even though I was only expecting to be responsible for rehearsing the ceremony, the expectation of the couple and the family was that I would be in charge of the entire rehearsal. (This is why I believe every church should have a paid wedding coordinator who is responsible for coordinating the facilities, personnel, equipment, clean-up, and leading the rehearsal. This relieves the Minister of this role and allows him or her to function as a Minister to the couple instead of an umpire. This also enables a busy Minister to not attend a rehearsal when there is schedule conflict. Oh well, live and learn.)
But there are also other considerations. Where is everybody supposed to stand? Where do the groom and the groomsmen enter? What order do the bride’s attendants come in? What music is played for each section of the processional? In what order does everyone walk out during the recessional? Who is responsible to get the bridal party lined up? Where do the parents, step-parents, and grandparents sit during the wedding?
Another issue I was not prepared for was how to handle conflict. I know, there should not be any conflict at a wedding rehearsal. It should be a day of relaxed joy. However, it is an event that is ripe for conflict and tension, especially if there has been very little planning. It is usually attended by the bridal party, the minister, some extended family and friends of both the bride and the groom. In other words, there is a wide variety of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and wedding experiences. There are multiple personality types involved and some of them love to be in the spotlight and some of them just get frustrated if it seems like no one is in control and time is wasting and they are eager to jump in and take charge to “save the day.” There are hidden landmines of family secrets and an ever increasing landscape of broken families with step-parents and half-brothers and sisters who might have suppressed resentment just waiting to come to the surface. Not every family is “The Brady Bunch.” Everyone has an opinion. If you are lucky, no alcohol has been served to anyone prior to this. This is an environment where anything can happen. We all know of stories where a mother, step-mother, father, sister, or brother asserted themselves and ruined what could have been a very pleasant time.
I was fortunate on this occasion that everyone was patient with me since I was young and inexperienced and most of them knew me. I was also fortunate that there were no strong willed people who wanted to force something on everyone and the community itself was rather “laid back.” There were a couple of Christian ladies there who were able to make a few suggestions in a nice and tactful way, and we were able to get through that rehearsal in about 2 and one half hours! Everyone still felt very confused about some of the details but we were all ready to leave. When it was finally over everyone was exhausted. I got to go home, but they still had to go to the Rehearsal Dinner, late!
Afterwards I felt like I had just run a marathon. I was exhausted. Why had no one told me about this? Why didn’t one of my professors warn me or teach me? Maybe they did and I just didn’t listen. I knew there had to be a better way.
I stumbled through a few more of these and learned more each time so that I could get the time down to something more endurable for me and for them. I learned how to head off a few problems ahead of time. I learned who to listen to and who to ignore. I learned who else needed to be there. But it was not until I actually began working with wedding coordinators that I really learned how to conduct an efficient and well-run rehearsal where everyone left feeling confident about the wedding day. When I worked with these wedding coordinators, all of them women, I watched how they worked with the couples, how they worked with the family, how they led the actual rehearsal, when they turned it over to the minister to go through the ceremony, and what they really wanted the minister to do during the rehearsal (not read the whole ceremony), several different but beautiful options, and much more.
In short, I learned their “system.” I don’t know if any of them would have called it a “system,” but that is exactly what it was. I worked with several different coordinators through the years and their “system” is almost exactly the same. They had just been taught a few of these things by mentors and by trial and error. I learned by observing and practicing the techniques they had mastered.
Allow me to go on record right now and say that I think a good wedding planner or wedding coordinator is worth her weight in gold! I think every couple should contract with one even if they are getting married in their own church. What they save you in time, headaches, trouble, mistakes, and even vendor costs, will be well worth their fee. Especially since the average wedding now costs ,000.00. However, I know that not everyone can afford to do this or find an available wedding coordinator. If your church has one, it might be a good idea to pay them extra to help you coordinate not only the rehearsal and wedding at that facility, but to also help with some of the other vendor issues. Just a thought.
Since I often worked with couples who did not have wedding coordinators and expected me as the Minister to “make it happen,” I put together my own “system” based on what I had learned from these seasoned wedding pros. I call it the Wedding Rehearsal Genie . It is based on the Seven Secrets of an Amazing Wedding Rehearsal. The “Genie” includes a tool to meet the needs of each of these “Seven Secrets.” It even includes an article on “How to Conduct a Wedding Rehearsal in 30 Minutes or Less.” I really created this valuable resource to help Ministers, Church wedding coordinators, hotel wedding coordinators, and Wedding Planners who are just getting started. I highly recommend it to any Minister who is called on to fill this role. It is reasonable and will save you your weight in gold through the years. It is also indispensible to the couple who is getting married without a wedding coordinator. It is a tool they could work through together in about an hour and feel totally confident before their rehearsal. The couple can then choose an organized friend to help them on the day of the rehearsal and the wedding to make sure that everyone is in the right place at the right time.
Let’s face it…people will spend hundreds of dollars on a dress to wear one time, hundreds on a cake you they will only eat only one bite from, thousands on a place to spend the day, hundreds or even thousands on gorgeous flowers that fade in days, all so their wedding ceremony will be beautiful and graceful. THE KEY TO MAKING THAT ALL HAPPEN IS A PRE-PLANNED AND WELL-DIRECTED REHEARSAL. Please do NOT leave it to chance. No one dreams of seeing their wedding on America’s Funniest Videos. A small investment in planning and preparation right now that will make a huge difference in a VERY IMPORTANT AND MEMORABLE DAY.
Right now, I want to give you the Seven Secrets to an Amazing Wedding Rehearsal.
Secret #1 Knowledge
Knowing the Essential Ingredients and Participants in the Wedding Ceremony. This is what the Wedding Ceremony At-A-Glance is designed to provide. You must know all the details of this particular wedding and who is involved in any part of the ceremony. You must know all of this before the Rehearsal begins! This great little tool was given to me by a wedding coordinator who has done more than 900 rehearsals.
Secret #2 Positioning
Knowing exactly where everyone in the Wedding Party is supposed to stand during the ceremony. This is what you receive in the Platform Chart. You cannot wait until everyone walks down the aisle to decide where they are all standing.
Secret #3 Order
Knowing exactly what order the members of the Wedding Party are supposed to walk into the auditorium and out of the auditorium or chapel and some suitable options. This is what the Processional and Recessional Orders provide. Everyone will be asking you when they are supposed to walk in and who they follow. It solves so many problems when you can pull out your form and show them exactly what their place is.
Secret #4 Seating
Knowing exactly where everyone is supposed to be seated during the Wedding Ceremony whether they were at the rehearsal or not because not all of the important people in the ceremony are on the platform. This is what the Seating Chart for the Wedding Ceremony provides. Couples often get so concerned about deciding where everyone is supposed to sit at the Rehearsal Dinner or the Wedding Reception that they often forget about the Wedding Ceremony itself. Deciding this before the rehearsal is a very important key to heading off tension and confrontation at the rehearsal and on the day of the Wedding.
Secret #5 Timing
Someone said Timing is Everything. That is so true in a wedding. When does the music begin, which music is supposed to be playing and when, and who is responsible to make that happen? Who is supposed to light the candles and when? Who is responsible to line up the Bride and her attendants? The 3-D Wedding Ceremony Chart describes how to design your own 3-D Chart which you can customize as needed. This simple chart keeps everyone on the same page during the actual ceremony.
Secret #6 Procedure
What specific steps do you take before and during your rehearsal to make things run smoothly, orderly and efficiently. There is a specific set of steps to take. The article, “How to Conduct a Rehearsal in 30-Minutes or Less” is the perfect step by step how to article that will make it a snap. Prior planning is a must.
Secret #7 Instant Access
The person in charge of the Wedding Rehearsal must have instant access to all of the details of the wedding ceremony and the wedding party at their fingertips at all times. They must also have instant access to common wedding information such as where certain people are to stand or be seated. In addition, they must have instant access to several options in case the Bride decides at the last minute to change some detail. If you are a Wedding Coordinator and have several weddings to do you will need to keep a file for each one with their specific details. I have performed about 300 weddings and attended almost that many rehearsals. Nothing works as efficiently as having a clipboard or manila folder with the right information in front of you. A PDA will not work. You need something you can print out, carry with you, fill in the blanks, and make notes on as needed.
The most important thing about these seven secrets is that they really do work. Everyone wants a perfect wedding, but the only way to get anything close to that is to have a really good rehearsal. No one can guarantee that you wedding rehearsal will be fun and stress free, but knowing and following these “secrets” will give you the very best shot at it.
Whether you are a couple planning your wedding or a minister or coordinator looking for some help in conducting a rehearsal. I hope these insights gained from personal experience will helpful to you. And, I would encourage you to take a look at my Wedding Rehearsal Genie and see if it would meet your needs.
